--loneliness FOUR: realization--

it dawned unto me. those days, those colorful days, were all a lie. a lie i thought was the truth. a lie that i truly believed, believed that i could smile again, that i could be happy again. but all it was, was a lie. a lie that was imposed unto me by the monster i was trying to run away from. why??? to play with me??? to make me suffer a lot more when i realized that that was all it was??? that was it. a lie. i tried to fight back.

'you're just a dream!!! a nightmare!!! i could, and would, wake up from all of this and go back to my life, my happy life!!!'

it said,

'oh no you can't. you're tapped here. with me. you're going to be here for the rest of your lonely existence dwelling on your lonely thoughts, wishing you fought back more, wishing you had resisted more. you won't ever be happy again. you WILL be lonely.'

--loneliness THREE: light--

it all happened so fast. i was suddenly bombarded with a very powerful light. i woke up. i realized, 'it was all a dream. a horrifying dream.' i was on my bed, my clothes soaking with sweat. i looked at my bedside table where my clock resides. 1:3o. i tried going back to sleep. but i couldn't. i was too unnerved by the dream i had. i went through the day like any other day. listening to lectures, hanging out with friends. this went on for a few days. but, in the middle of a day, some 12 days later, my world collapsed. all the color started to fade away, everything around me melting, leaving only darkness. the darkness in my dream. then, the voice, the same voice that had haunted me in my dreams, the voice that i couldn't forget, the voice that was embedded into my mind, said to me,

'how was that??? i hope you had some fun... because now, i'm taking it all back. taking YOU back. did you really believe it was all a dream?! hah... well, you're so wrong. dead wrong. i still have you. and you still can't get away.'

--fiLipiNo TimE--{made by Raizza Mayo}

tanong: Sa larangan ng pag-ibig, ano ang dapat gamitin, isip o puso???

Sa pagmamahal, kailangang sundin natin ang parehong isip at puso. Dapat ay balanse lamang silang dalawa. Ngunit, minsan, hindi maiiwasan na magtalo ang puso at isip. Sinasabi ng puso mo na mahal mo ang isang tao ngunit tumututol ang isip mo. Sa sitwasyong na katulad noon, puso pa din dapat ang mangibabaw. Naniniwala ako na ang puso ay may sariling isip sa kanya. Siya ang nagsasabi kung tama na o mahal mo pa. Siya ang nagdedesisyon ng kanya. Walang pakialam ang puso sa sinasabi ng iba. Puso naman ang pumipili kung sino ang espesyal sayo at mahal mo, tama man o mali. Dahil sa pagmamahal, walang tama, walang mali, diba? = )

--ngayon ko lang naisip... diba science has proved that feelings come from the mind not the heart???--

--loneliness TWO--

That's when i saw it. So close, so terribly close. I didn't know where to go, what to do. I just stood there, motionless. Frozen by shock and fear of what might become of me and what my fate will be. It said 'I got you now.' Then, I realized, it was encircling me, enveloping me with a thick black fog loneliness thrusting me into a pit of pitch black darkness. I could feel me suffocating with sadness and my vision blurring from the tears forming on my eyes. All these heavy feelings pulling me apart, tearing my already broken heart to shreds. Forcibly blocking all the happy thought and memories from my consciousness with an iron curtain of sadness. I kept thinking,



'Where could my saving light be???'



--FYI, 'iron curtain' from Little Manhattan... haha...--

--loneliness--

The dark shadow of the monster i very much dread, the monster i so desperately try to run away from, the monster that lurks in every corner i go, the monster that blends as a silhouette in the very busy background of my life, the monster that threatens to overcome me, succumb me to its infinite power and send me to the deepest depths of its oblivion of darkness, the monster that goes by the name loneliness, now comes up stealthily behind me, taps me on my shoulder, with me shuddering from its ice cold coolness, and says to me,

'...you can't hide from me forever. you can't run anywhere anymore. nobody can help you now. i got you.'

--WYRD-> fate...--

While the name Urðr (Wyrd, Weird) means "fate" or simply "future", Verðandi is derived from the Old Norse verb verða which means "to become" and Skuld is related to the verb "shall". There is no foundation in Norse mythology for the notion that the three main norns each represent the past, the present and the future; rather, all three represent the future. Moreoever, the idea that there are three main norns may be due to a late influence from Greek and Roman mythology, where there are also spinning fate goddesses (Moirae and Parcae). The origin of the name norn is not certain, but it may derive from a word meaning "to twine" and which would refer to their twining the thread of fate.
...:::...
The Wyrd Sisters
A hall stands there, fair, under the ash by the well, and out of that hall come three maids, who are called thus: Urdr, Verdandi, Skuld; these maids determine the period of men's lives: we call them Norns; but there are many norns: those who come to each child that is born, to appoint his life; these are of the race of the gods, but the second are of the Elf-people, and the third are of the kindred of the dwarves

from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Weird_Sisters

--i read that because i got sidelined while reading something about Shakespeare's play Macbeth... which, they say, is cursed when you say its title... so if you said 'Macbeth' out loud while reading this... good luck... or as they say... break a leg... <[just wish not literally}> haha...--

--woooh... i used COLORFUL WORDS!!! ... <{ahem... english...}>

Now, I lay, surrounded by pitch black darkness slowly engulfing every part of my lonely being. Slowly succumbing to the drowning sadness that threatens to overpower me. Slowly losing every precious ounce of energy left inside of me. How can I get through? I ask myself. When the light I so desperately need... is the light that would forever elude me.

<{i did this during homeroom!!! haha!!!}>

Today, i saw him smile. a breathtaking smile.

Though, not for me. For someone else.

I was looking at him smiling, with tears in my eyes

and a heart-wrenching pain in my heart.

A pain of knowing that that smile, and his heart...

would never ever be mine.

jan.5,'o8 <{really early morning}>

--hUrT...--

--EnVioUs..--

--pIssEd ofF...--

--mOrE huRt...--

...:::...

--sOng tiTLe oF thE daY:--

-=Could You Ever Love Me That Way?=-

++iT's bY Nikki Flores++

...:::...

--wOrdS oF thE daY:--

-=whY?!=-

-=oUch...=-

-=woW..=-

...:::..

--thOugHt oF thE daY--

-=i'M hAppY foR You... i jusT wiSh thAt You'lL aLwaYs bE hAppY... anD thAt i cOuLd bE hAppY foR mYseLf toO...=-